My Child

Dear God, You gave me this child. and you promised me that you would take care of me and this child. You reminded me when she was a little over three years old that she depeneded on me to take of her, well Father I have taken care of her. I have brought her up in chruch, and I have been a pretty good mother, but I failed my child when I cannot provide for her. Oh sure I can keep a roof over her head, and keep her warm druing the winter months, and even keep food in the house for her to eat. But why, please tell me why, is it, tht when it comes to special times, I feel like you forsake me, so that I cannot give her a few extra things in life, especially at Christmas and on her birthday. I have said it before, I am tired of living this way. If it was just me, I would have no problem living this way, but why does my daughter have to suffer. Why iis it that she can't go back to school after the Christmas break and brag about what she got for Christmas. Instead, she has to listen to what everybody else got, and not be able to share anything that she got becuase she doesn't get anything. Why God, please tell me why. As I have said before, I cannot understand this. Punish me, not my child. What did she do to deserve to have to go without on Christmas morning. I just don't understand. Every year I say I hope I don't have to do this again, but you know what every year I do. When will this madness ever stop. She is just an innocent little girl who does not deserve this. Oh well, life will go on, we will just treat Christmas as another ordinary day.

Can anyone explain

You know what, I hate that I am handicapped. I hate that I am unable to work, I also hate it that I cannot even give my child a Christmas. I never hase really understood why people exchange Christmas Gifts. I do not see how God giving his only begotten son, is an example of exchanging gifts. God gave us his son do die on the cross for our sins. To me that is a gift that can never be repaid. God sacrificed his son so that we could have eternal life. The reason I feel this way, because is every year it is a struggle to provide any kind of Christmas for my child. Thank God I only have the one, but I can't even get her anything for Christmas. It is actually my fault. I made a mistake in going to work several years ago, and even reported to the social security that I had went to work, but they never stopped my checks. so I didn't know that I was getting overpaid. and another thing is to instead of standing up for myself and putting my foot down to a stupid employer and telling them that I was only allowed to work 20-hours a week, I would be the good employee and work over. You being the good person and not wanting to cause strife really does come back and bites you with a vengence. Becuase Today the first dzy of December I am having to pay for being a nick laid back person. Anyway more on that later. Any way the store that I was working for, ingles to be exact, finally set me up and got me fired, again, the nice hard worker, who never complained got the axe. After I lost my job, I called social security to let them know that I had gotten fired. Again never heard anything from them until this past summer. Well, they tried to say that I never reported to them that I had goen to work, and of course I had, and I even had the proof. You know something else I have learned is what good does it do to write down names of people that you talk to, because what I have found out it the people at social security do not put down the information or have any proof of what you do. As far as they are concerned they are always right and the general public never do anything right. Any way, sinne I worked for 16 months and according to them never reported it, of course if you know anything about social security, they overpaide me. And here is the kicker they want their money back and they want it back now. Well now someone tell me how is the world am I to come up with that kind of money, knowing they don't want me to work, what am I suppose to do mill a turnip. So their idea of getting their money back is keepng one of my checks, and right here at december. They don't care about nobody. So now as it stands, I had some money in the bank that I was going to use for my daughters christmas, but now because I am going to be short this month, I am going to have to take that money and pay bill with it instead. Therefore leaving my daughter without much of a christmas. I told her this morning, they would not be any presents, but at least we have a place to live, and all the bill will be paid, and we will have food to eat. That much we can be thankful for. But as a mother it stills hurts that I cannot even get her any kind of christmas. Oh well, that is the way things happens sometimes. One may think that I would be mad at God for allowing something like this to happen to me, but I am not mad at Him, I am disappointed though. I don't know, I try to do right, be honest, but no matter how hard I try, I can never get ahead. I don't understand why it is that as hard as I try, it just never gets any better. We were at church yesterday, and our pastor said that God meets us right were we are, well, to be honest I don't feel like God is meeting me here in this hard time of my life, I feel like he is punishing me for all my hard work. We do without so much around here, don't get me wrong all the bills are paid for, but just the small extra things that we need, I cannot do. You know I was on a Emmaus Team last month. We had several meetings before the walk took place, and the meetings were great, but when I got to the mountain top for the Emmaus Walk, everything from that point has crumbled and is continueing to crumble. When will it ever stop. When are we going to be able to see the suclight agian, and for once in our lives have a pleasant Christmas, or a pleasant life for that matter. Why is God still punishing me. I am so broken hearted now. but I must gather myself up and go on through the motions of my day and act as if nothing is wrong. Why should I act any other way. I am trying to type all my fustrations down, they say that works but so far it is not working. I have found that the best thing that works is prayer and Bible reading, and that is probably what I will end of doing? Even thought it does me know good. Oh well, Life will go on, and someone else will get a blessing of some kind, just not me. But that is ok, becuase I am not used to anything good ever happening to me. So I will get up, put on my mask and act as if everything is ok, knowing that I am the only one that knows that nothing is ok.

The day after Thanksgiving

Well, here it is Friday Morning, the day after Thanksgiving. We went to Copperhill yesterday for dinner, at my Aunt's house. We actually had a great time. I truly enjoyed it, the only thing I hated about it was my father. He is such a grump. As soon as everyone was finished eating he was ready to go. I can not figure out why that man wanted to leave so bad, I mean the only thing he was going to do was go home, sit in his chair, turn the tv on and sleep until it was time to go to bed. You know that is the only thing about not being able to drive. When you ride with somebody, you are on their schedule, so when they wanted to leave whether we wanted to or not, my and daughter had to leave. We were having so much fun visiting with family and getting to kow new people as well. But I am thankful that we had such a good time, it was just sad that it had to end. Of course I was reminded of something yesterday when my cousin was saying the blessing over the food, and this is so true. But here we are a big family and the extended family all gathered together to have a meal together enjoying each others company. We could all get together and not bickering with each other like some families do. We can all put any differences we may have and just enjoy being together. Which coming to think of it, I don't think there is any difference among any of us, or at least not to my knowledge. Another thing I like to was that we could all get together and we did not have to compete with a television. There was no television on the main level of the house so people were sitting all over the place enjoying each others compnay, talking with eiach other, catching up on events on things that happen since the last time we hat gotten together. All in all it was a great day, and I enjoyed it.
Now for the rest of the weekend, I am planning to waxh clothes, put the tree up, and straighten the house up. But I read another blog before I posted this one, and even though the day Thanksgiving is over, the act of actually being thankful should continue on being thankful for what God has done in our lives and what he is going to do for the coming days ahead. God Bless

Follow ups

Well, here we are the start of another week. Actually this is Thanksgiving week. The children in this area only have to go to school for two days this week. Then they are out of school from Wednesday until Sunday. That is a long week, but not as long as their Christmas break. Well, we had follow-up this past Saturday night at the Church. I don't know what is going on, but the attendance and the food are just not what it used to be. That church would be full and we would have to use two tables to hold all the food, but now a days it seems to me like the Emmaus Community is dwindling down like a lot of churches. I don't understand that. I know after my pilgrim walk, and for a year after my walk, the follow-ups would be a big crowd with a lot of food, but here lately it is barely a handful of people anymore. I know a couple of months ago you could blame it on gas prices, but you can't do that today, I mean come on gas is under two dollars a gallon. So that is not the problem. I don't know but I miss all the pople that used to come out for the follo-up. We are suppose to be having the Emmaus Christmas in two weeks, I sure hope that a lot more people show up for that then they did the follow-up.

Just another lazy day

This is kind of agrevaiting. Everytime I come to this website, I have to reregister. It really is confusing. I don't why it does not remember me. Oh well, it is in the middle of the day here, and I have been asleep most of the morning. I got up and straightne the house up then I sat back down and watched TV, well that is between cat naps. But that is ok, hey they house was done, and there was not much more to do. Oh I guess I could practice my signing but hey, I have all weekend for that . So I think I will take the rest of the day and just continue to be lazy. We deserve a lazy day every once in a while. Actually I thought a repairman was coming to check out my DSL. It was down the other night and no body know why. I was on the phone twice that night with the phone company to see if they could find out what was wrong with it. They never could find out, so they went ahead and scheduled for a technician to come out and look at it. Well any way later on that night I came back to my room and low and behold the DSL was back up and running. But the guy that I talked to on Wednesday night called my back last night and I told him tht the DSL was back up. He said that was great but he felt like we should go ahead and let the technician come on out and see if he could figurre out why it went down on Wednesday. So here I wait, and he still has not arrived. But they guy I talked to on Wednesday and yesterday said it would be anywhere between 8am until 5pm. And it is only one right now. That is ok, I have no plans to go anywhere today anyway. So I will go and get me something to drink and lay out some fish for supper and then sit back down in front of the TV, and who knows maybe take some cat naps.